too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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