I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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