i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
