separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
