well I can't set my house on fire every night
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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