Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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