i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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