Having a random hookup so left but love u
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
