My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
