Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
