I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
