Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
