Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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