My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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