I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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