He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
