3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
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I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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