Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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