It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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