i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
