I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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