He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
