I am puke
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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