I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
