I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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