dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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