im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
