so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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