we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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