I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
