I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think I died a long time ago.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
