Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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