you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Houston, we have a squirter
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
