ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
