I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
