Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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