there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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