cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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