I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
