i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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