just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
