I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
