dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
