There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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