my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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