just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
