Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
