You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
