someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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