Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
