so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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