trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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