I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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