why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i think i just lost a toe
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
