There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
