Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
