You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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