Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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