Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is Oprah even human
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
