Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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